Phew! Thank goodness for the media, or we women just wouldn’t know what to do with ourselves. Just follow the simple rules below for a fulfilling life that doesn’t put anyone’s noses out of joint.

Childbearing

Before 21 is a no-no! You’ll be far too young and clueless and probably spend all your child benefit on widescreen TVs. In fact you probably got pregnant just to get a council house in the first place, you hussy!

Don’t think about it after 35. If you can even get pregnant, your child will probably be disabled, your birth will go horribly wrong and cost the NHS lots of money, plus you’ll be letting down your employers by taking time out at an important juncture in your career. Oh, and you’ll never lose that baby weight, you know.

Careers

Don’t let the side down with silly jobs in primary teaching, childcare or health and beauty. People won’t respect you unless you have proper jobs like being a lawyer, journalist or doctor.

But if you’re a lawyer or a doctor or a businesswoman it’s going to cause all sorts of trouble when you have children, and you’ll end up neglecting them because you’re so focused on your career.

Going back to work after having a baby

You can’t be doing work stuff after you have a baby you heartless fiend! You should take at least six months before going back to work. Yes, we’re talking to you, Rachida Dati.

But don’t take more than six months, as you’ll make employers not want to take on women between 20 and 40.

Dressing

A nice bit of leg cheers everyone up Don’t wear a tent if you can flaunt it, love. We all love a bit of leg and cleavage. And those tight jeans, yeah!

Don’t drink and flaunt, though Come on, you were obviously up for it in that dress, and you made a noise that sounded like yes, honest. You’d had a bit to drink, hadn’t you, you should take better care, really.

Weight

Don’t be a skinny skeleton. Oh yuck, we don’t want those toast-rack rib nasties in bikinis – grim. Yes, a nice, curvy size 8 is what you should be.

Size 10? Eeeuuuh!

Coming next, a media guide to life for men…  oh, wait a minute, men don’t need those. As you were, lads.

 

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